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The Appalachian Occultist's Guide to Smoking Cannabis
Ten Rules That Keep You Laughing... and Alive
1. Never Light Up After Hearing Your Name in the Woods.
If somebody calls your name and you know every soul within ten miles is asleep, finish packing your bowl somewhere else. Whatever answered isn't trying to borrow a lighter.
2. Count Your Friends Before and After the Session.
If you started with three people and somehow four are passing the joint around... don't ask the new guy where he came from. Just leave. Quietly.
3. Don't Offer the Forest the First Hit.
Old-timers pour out whiskey for the dead. That's their business. If you exhale your first cloud toward the trees and something exhales back... congratulations, you've made a terrible new friend.
4. Respect the Whip-poor-will.
If the bird stops singing all at once, your smoke break is over. Go inside. Lock the door. You can always finish the dab tomorrow.
5. Never Follow a Lantern Through the Fog.
Especially if the person carrying it walks without making a sound. People leave footprints. Most other things don't.
6. If Every Dog Starts Barking at Once... Pack It Up.
Dogs argue with raccoons.
Dogs bark at bears.
Dogs howl at coyotes.
When every dog in the valley suddenly goes dead silent after barking...
They lost the argument.
7. Don't Smoke Beside Old Cemeteries.
It's rude.
Besides, if someone you've never met starts giving you life advice at two in the morning...
He's probably been dead longer than you've been alive.
8. If Your Joint Won't Stay Lit... Neither Should You.
Sometimes it's damp.
Sometimes it's cheap weed.
But if your lighter works everywhere except facing the woods...
The mountain voted "no."
9. Don't Laugh at Local Superstitions While You're High.
Nothing humbles a skeptic faster than realizing the tree you've been leaning against has been slowly breathing for the last fifteen minutes.
10. If You Hear Someone Say, "Mind If I Get a Hit?"... Without Seeing Anyone...
You have two choices.
Say no...
...and hope it respects boundaries.
Or say yes...
...and hope it only wanted the weed.
Either way...
You're probably not sleeping tonight.
Appalachian Occultist's Golden Rule
The cannabis didn't summon the strange things.
It just convinced you to notice they were already there.
Sleep well. The mountains rarely do